How’s your heart?
It’s a little broken.....
This was the first conversation I had with Aibileen since the breakup with Yousef. Its been a week now and things have been going downhill ever since. She picked me up from Yousef’s and got me back to my place that day, so she clearly knew what happened. I cried for a couple of days because of the incident, but then the thought kept on haunting me, there must be a reason why he stopped loving me, I’m sure its my fault. It must be something I did, but what? Could it possibly be because I stopped modeling? What could it be! This is killing me and driving me crazy!
During the week that passed, right about the fourth day after what happened Alfie came to my place eagerly knocking on the door, Aibileen opened the door and kindly asked him to leave. Instead he pushed her aside and got in!
Jawaher! What’s going on between the two of you? Why did Yousef quit from the team? What have you done? Why is he drinking again and smoking like his father? What happened please I need to know!
I flung the door open, knowing that my feelings began to change into something deeper, something stronger. Something different.
What have I done? So now I am the cause of all of this right? You couldn’t blame anything on him or yourself so instead you blame it on me? How coward of you Alfie, to put the responsibility and the guilt on me! I didn’t ask for him to break up with me! I didn’t even want this relationship to end; I thought for so long that we would end up together. He says we’re not right for each other? But look around you we aren’t right for anyone else except ourselves! That’s the way I see it, and the rest of the world sees it. Now you better start spreading the news, because I’m leaving today and this is the end of the Jawaher you once knew. Now get out of my way, I don’t want to see you or any of your silly friends. I suddenly felt like a decisive woman, one who knew what she wants and what’s best for her. I felt like there’s this power within me that gives me authority. Good day Alfie, I wish you a happy life. I pushed him out and slammed the door behind him. Rude isn’t it? Well, say hello to the new me.
I was so damn angry, I wanted my nails to dig into his skin, ripping it apart and holding his damned esophagus and pull it out with all my powers. That bastard. Yousef, look at what you’ve done…
Aibileen. Pack your bag, we’re leaving. I said it was more of a command, still facing the door with my palms pushed hard against it.
Are you all right?
Never been better. I turned around. I looked at her and suddenly I felt a smile form, strange how I was crying over him and now he’s just a stepping-stone. That being said doesn’t mean I do not love him. I do, I love him with all my heart and soul. I love him…
I packed my bags and made my way to the airport. And all along I thought to myself I make friends and then suddenly I can’t bare any of them. I don’t know if they’re considered friends? Or if they’re just there to use me? I think I’m paranoid….
I arrived at London, entering the house and being welcomed by the workers. The same faces but elder, I miss them all dearly. So we all sat together and had dinner, we spoke about random things and events. My parents and Rodha’s seat remained empty; I excused myself right after dinner to go out for a walk and kindly asked Aibileen to look for the will. I felt so depressed, knowing I lost the ones I loved the most. I want to escape this depression, this misery.
It started raining, perfectly reflecting my feelings and suddenly this urge of melancholia was creeping up. I went back to my room, precipitously all the memories hit me like a thousand knives. I allowed all the negativeness to suck in within me, soaking in through my body like a sponge. What’s the purpose of me living? I couldn’t think of an answer.
I learnt a lesson… Even when you feel so comfortable around someone. You don’t know what this person’s intentions are; sometimes your feelings fail you….