Monday, 31 December 2012

Traffic Lights {16}

Our beloved readers & followers, we wish you all a wonderful new year filled with happiness, success and love. This post is dedicated to each and every one of you! 
Happy new year!

I woke up from the constant ringing of my alarm. I turned around and switched it off. Stay positive Jawaher, today is going to be a good day! I jogged out of the apartment once I was done with with an apple in my mouth. I had to get there before the roads get busy and I made it on time. I got in the back entrance of the hall and sat in my seat. Mia, Momoko and Alfie were there. Yousef wasn’t.
Where’s Vladimir? I asked them all. No one replied. They would change the topic, which made me scared. Surely everything’s fine, but where is he?
Alfie, where’s Vladimir? I stared at his facial expressions a slight change would give me a clue, but I saw nothing.
I’ll call him now love, don’t worry. We need to get you ready.
I was informed that I was the first model to walk down the runway isle, and then walk again at the middle and was the last one. The makeup artist went for sultry red lips that was bold and defined the look with femininity; my eyes had a basic eye shadow and a solid cat eyeliner. I wore the opening dress, which was black with daring cutouts and by daring I mean revealing and would sure make you fall head overs heels for this gown. It had a split by the thigh to expose more flesh to make it even sexier. The back details spoke a language of ravishingly intriguing womanliness; the front has sheer side panels that gave an illusion of depth and unbelievable sexy curves.
I’ll walk so proudly that everyone will envy me.
Every step I took I knew what I was about to do was life changing and there’s no turning back. I wonder what’ll happen when they get to see my pictures all over the place, what will my relatives back in Dubai say? Oh well, who cares. The curtains were pulled back and I was ready to walk. The music played, and here we go! I walked towards the end of the isle, with every step a shot of painful memories hit me, I stopped by the end and counted to three I turned around and walked back in. As the three of them rushed me in to change my clothes I looked around, searching, hoping that I would find that familiar face. But I saw nothing.
The second dress was something Grace Kelly would wear, or perhaps Audrey Hepburn. It was cut in a way that the plunging neckline and back would surely keep you staring for a long time; and the colour is so gorgeous, blood red it was designed to stun people, to take you back in time and yearn for it. I was so proud of who I was, I finally felt that I’ve achieved something in this life of mine, now the whole world knows who I am. 
The final dress, oh the final dress, it is so beautiful and so simple it makes me want to cry. That’s how sexy it is. It’s a white long sleeved dress, with the neckline cut so long; it reached the center end of my ribcage. The creamy brown fur shawl sat quietly by my shoulder to complete the look. My hair was pulled back into a neat bun. My makeup remained untouched but the lipstick was substituted into a dark maroon red. It was the kind of look that remains in your memory for a very long time. I walked down that isle one last time knowing that after this show I am going to resign. Au revior modeling.
As I turned, walking my way back there he was. Stealing every breath I take, I wanted to run back to him and leap into his arms. Just a few more steps and my smile ripped as wide as they could as he stood there with his arms wide opened. I love him!
I’m so proud of you.
I remained in his arms as the curtains closed and the crowd stood up and clapped for us.
I love you.
He held my hand and walked me back. There was an after party that was going to take place after the results were going to be revealed. Yousef told me to stay in the white dress and I did.
Jawaher! We did it!!! We won! He was so happy, he hugged me so tight then kissed me. I love you.
I love you so much you’ll never understand. Yousef, I quit modeling.  He smiled and kissed me once more then we headed to the party. He did not bother arguing with me about me quitting and I was happy that he didn’t say anything about it.

The party was hectic; strangely a few people came to me so I can sign my autograph, which slightly made me feel overwhelmed. A couple of new designers wanted me to model for their fashion line but I apologized and said that I quit today after the show. I left the party at 2AM knowing I was pushing the limits. Yousef dropped me back. I unlocked the door and got in and headed towards my room. I slowly unzipped myself out of the dress and carefully hung it in my closet.

Had fun…?

I yelled because someone unexpectedly spoke. My eyes widened, I could feel goose bumps all over my body.
Oh god, that was unexpected… 

Friday, 14 December 2012

Traffic Lights {15}

It has been three days and sleep was becoming my enemy. I barely slept, and I would wakeup regretting the day Aibileen left. It has been three days and she did not text or call, its like I completely vanished from her life. I couldn’t spend the three days on my own, my life was on repeat; get out of bed, go to university, go to the atelier, come back to the apartment. Time was ironically flying but I felt every minute. And as the days passed by, the runway was getting closer and closer. Everyday I would practice with the girls – Momoko and Mia. Right after university, Yousef would pick me up and we’d go out for lunch and then go to the atelier.
One night, he spent the entire time with me. We had a movie marathon, watching his favourite movies and in between we’d chat a little. I’d know him more and he’d know me more. I love it when he wraps his arms around me, when I’d listen to the sound of his heartbeat and to his stories. I love him; I really do, but whenever I think of something Aibileen’s words seem to pop up, make me reconsider things twice. 
We were only a few days away, away from the runway. Surprisingly Yousef had to travel, he did not tell me where but there was something in his eyes, he was hiding something and I didn’t want to force him. If there was something, he would let me know. He didn’t tell me when he’d be back; I actually knew nothing about his trip. Alfie and Momoko came over a couple of times to pick me up from university and we’d walk together to the atelier.
We were a day away from the runway. And I thanked god it was on a weekend, I’d be able to rest. Yousef called me a couple of times in the past few days but he didn’t call today, and I called him but he didn’t answer. Alfie picked me up from university and we walked together.
You know Jawaher, I’m so glad you and Yousef are together. I looked at him and slowed down my pace. How did he know his real name?
Trust me, I’m Yousef’s oldest friend. In fact, we came here together, pursuing the same dream. I haven’t seen him this happy in a very long time, I’m sure he told you about his past and you know what he’s been through. I smiled. His words made me feel better. I didn’t know that the two of them were best friends and I didn’t know that Yousef’s love towards me was obvious.
Now that the dress is done, what would you like to do?
I don’t know. I called Yousef earlier and he didn’t reply. Is he all right?
Yeah, he just has to finish off some business.
Where’d he go?
He didn’t say… C’mon doll, let’s get some sushi! I spent the rest of the evening with Alfie. Momoko and Mia joined us later on. I excused myself and left early so I could have some good night sleep for tomorrow’s big day.
Before I went to bed, I took some pills so I can sleep then I sent two texts one to Aibileen and one to Yousef.

Dearest Aibileen,
I hope you are enjoying your holiday. The past week has been one of the worst in my entire life. I really miss you; I hope I see you sometime soon.
Lots of Love
Your one and only,

I stared at the message for minutes. Should I send it the way it is? No no no Jawaher, be strong. ‘You’ve got to pick yourself up and keep walking.’

Dearest Aibileen,
I hope you are enjoying your holiday. I really miss you; I hope I see you sometime soon.
Lots of Love
Your one and only,

That’s more like it. I pressed the send button and worked on Yousef’s message. I didn’t know how to begin…
To the one I love the most,
I hope everything’s all right. I miss you dearly. I hope you have a safe flight back.
Love now & forever,
Your Jawaher.

Tomorrow, hopefully, it will be a good day. Tomorrow, I’ll show the world what I’m made of. Tomorrow, oh god, please let Aibileen and Yousef come back. 

Friday, 30 November 2012

Traffic Lights {14}

I could say that last night was one of the worst nights ever because Aibileen left. I called her phone so many times, she didn’t pick up and then I realised that she left it lying on her bed on silent… I felt so torn. Torn, lost and struggling to find where I belong yet the answers seem to oblige a lot of hard work but they’re right there in front of me. A part of me wants to stay here and continue what I’m doing because I like it, in fact I love it here and what I’m doing which is why I don’t want to stop. But then I just left my true other half walkaway and a part of me didn’t allow that to happen. I got on my own two feet hurrying and pushing myself between the crowd to get to the first plane to Paris, her hometown.
And there amongst the people, I see a familiar silhouette standing, waiting for the steward to cut her ticket to enter the plane. I was just, -emphasizing on the just-, on time.
Aibileen She didn’t turn around. I grabbed her hand and stopped her. Don’t do this.. You know me better than me knowing myself. I didn’t mean it; I take back everything I said.
What if you meant what you were saying? That every word that came out of your mouth was true? She turned around. Her waterline pink from crying, her eyes puffed up and her nose was a bright shade of pink. I feel like I cannot stay any longer, everyday I realise how much of a responsibility you are and how I failed to raise you the way your parents wanted me to, the way they would have raised you.
Aibileen don’t say that… You are my mother, my father, my sister, my only family and my only best friend. I cried. I have no one but you. Maybe you need some time away from me, you deserve a holiday and I understand that. Think about it, please.
She patted my back, and then hugged me.
Au revoir, princesse.  She whispered the words and went through.
I stood there for hours, waiting for her. I saw her airplane take off but I still stood there. I sat down facing the door that led her to the airplane, replaying the memory. I’m all alone, again.
I don’t recall what happened next, but all I do remember was that I watched the people around me buzz around. Happy faces, sad faces. I felt so empty. What should I do next? I got up and found my way back to the apartment.

Jawaher! Oh thank god! Where were you!? I was waiting for HOURS, you were driving me crazy!!! Are you alright?
What’s wrong? Look at me!
Aibileen.. She left me. I broke down. He hugged me tightly, trying as hard as he could to stop me.

I opened my eyes. My vision was blurry. I blinked a couple of times.
Hey. He said in a low voice.
How long have I slept?
4 hours. It’s 5:47AM.
Did Aibileen call?
I turned to the other side and felt my eyes burn as the hot tears came streaming down my face. My breathing was stable.
I’m sorry.. I never wanted you to see my like this. I felt so tired. I wiped my tears and sat up. He sat beside me and hugged me. He kissed my forehead, his arms stayed firmly wrapped around me.
This is what life’s about you see, its good its bad its unfair its fair. You’ve got to pick yourself up and continue walking. You’ll face some obstacles but you have to toughen up and move on. It’s not the end of the world. It’s not the end of your path. There’s a new world yet to be discovered.
And he was right. Absolutely right.
I prepared some breakfast for the two of us. Come. He kissed my cheek once again and grabbed my hand.
I love you. I smiled. I got up with him then brushed my teeth and had a quick shower to freshen my mood up. I hope Aibileen comes back, I really do… I wasn’t bothered to get dressed, I dressed up like a homeless girl because I felt like one. After breakfast, which I must admit was absolutely delicious; we went to the same park that had the festival / carnival that we went to when I had my first kiss. We sat together on a cold bench, I was leaning on him I could hear his heartbeat through his shirt, I placed my cashmere shawl around us, wrapping ourselves like a gift and listened to his stories as I stayed in my position in silent. Our hearts unwind, as we reveal our deepest secrets that time has concealed throughout our lives, haunting us that they might come back. That one-day, we’d have to face reality. 

Sunday, 28 October 2012


Hello girlies,

I'm sure everyone is super excited we finally got this short/long holiday and it's Eid so we would like to wish you all a Eid Mubarak and a happy holiday.

What did you do/planning to do in Eid/Holiday?

                                                                                                                     ❤.عيدكم مبارك وعساكم من عواد

                                                                                                                               شو خطتكم للعيد/أجازه؟

Saturday, 13 October 2012

Traffic Lights {13}

I know what I did was wrong. But somehow I didn’t regret it, maybe I wasn’t thinking straight or maybe there isn’t anything to regret about, and I most probably think it’s the latter.  Last night… What happened last night? Everything slowly started breaking down, things are more comprehendible.


Explain. She said, with an undertone to her voice. And suddenly goosebumps were all over my body, my hands felt a bit shaky. My throat was completely dry which made it hard for me to speak. I looked down at the table, with pictures of me scattered on every magazine, on the front page of Vogue, Vogueteen, Vanity Fair, Cosmopolitan, Harper Bazaar and the list went on. 9 months of hard work filling an entire table and instead of feeling good I felt lost…
You lied to me. You lied to me! Did I ever lie to you? Silence.  Answer me!
I cannot hear you.
Then please explain why you went ahead behind my back and did such a thing? I didn’t know what to say. But I knew I had to say something. And I didn’t.
I’m not stupid Jawaher. You expect me to sign a paper without reading it? I knew the moment that guy stepped into your life you had completely changed. Long nights out; coming back home after 12AM when you used to come back home no longer than 10PM with your innocent friends. Your so-called “Vladimir” whom you go out with every day is called Yousef al Flani. What makes you so sure that he isn’t using you? You don’t even know who he really is! Look around you; maybe all of this, what he’s doing is just a way to use you! You think I don’t know but I know everything that goes around. Don’t underestimate me Jawaher. Tomorrow morning you are going to quit this nonsense.
I’m not a child anymore Aibileen. I can take care of my own decisions.
Really? You think so? Wake up darling you just sold your body, yourself and your reputation for a few snapshots. What will your family do? Did you think about that? Did you think about all of these consequences?
Why do you even care about them or why do you even care at all!? It has nothing to do with you or them!
Because I am responsible of taking care of you.
You’re not my mother. You’re not my father. You’re not my sister. They all left me, and now I think its time for you to leave me too…
She knew I didn’t mean it. But it hurt her. She kept on talking; things went on and on for God knows how long. But to me everything was muted, or maybe my brain just went blank. Until I walked away, I walked away from her and from her dramatic scene. I locked my door and just sat on my bed.
I don’t know me… That’s what’s happening. And it scares me.
I need to clarify a few things. Not now, not today and definitely not tomorrow. I need to clear my head. It became an insoluble dilemma before I even knew it.

I couldn’t sleep all night. I just kept on staring at my ceiling, unsure of what I just did. Absolute silence was taking over, not a single noise was made. I couldn’t think anymore. I got out of bed at 4AM and wore something comfortable; I put on my trainers and walked outside the building. I put my hoodie on my head and walked. You keep your head down and hustle and hustle and wonder how on earth did you reach here?
I walked from my apartment until Joetsu. The sun had already gone up and life had started again. I sat down staring at the waves. Why am I here? The sea was just so tempting, I wanted to dive in and get lost in the harmonious vibe, and I want to forget myself. I started crying, I didn’t know why but it felt good.
Dusk was starting to settle, I had to make my way back to my place but I didn’t want to. I got up and started walking back until I saw a familiar silhouette.
How did you find me here?
I was looking for you all over the place. He took a few steps closer to me and hugged me. He patted my hair and kissed me. Are you all right? Come let’s go back home.
I need some time alone. He looked at me even more concerned. He looked straight into my eyes then placed his hand on my forehead making sure I wasn’t sick.
I can’t let you on your own. Please come with me. I thought about what Aibileen had said about him last night. If he really was using me, he wouldn’t have come all this way, he wouldn’t have found me or left me on my own. I got in his convertible. He took a different route home.
Have you ever had one of those days where you hate the world? And everything that happens even the simplest tinniest thing like not getting things right or getting it the way you want it to be makes you want to break down and cry until you release all the sadness within you....?
He stopped by the side of the road, parked the car then held my hand and looked at me. Immediately I felt a chunk of weight being lifted off of me, all the sadness was gone.
I faced him and touched his face. Don’t ever leave, promise me you won't ever leave.. I just want to stop the world, I just want to keep you forever, to myself. I love you... Even these 3 words can’t describe my love to you.
His smile shone, it made my heart throb aggressively.
I promise I won't ever leave you. Ill kiss you? Oh no wait, that’s not a question. I am going to kiss you. He kissed me No, that’s not right. He kissed me again, longer, tenderly, passionately. I blushed then smiled. He drove me back home after we got ourselves a cup of warm drink. I went up and unlocked the door. And everything was the way it was. I walked towards Aibileen’s room and she wasn’t there… I went to my room and she wasn’t there either. I saw my phone on my bed and checked to see if there were any phone calls from her. None.. I searched the entire place for her, for any traces of anything she left. But there was nothing. I opened her closet and everything was in place. I called out for her but she didn’t reply back. No no no.. This must be a dream! I pinched myself hard and it hurt a lot..
She left…