Traffic Lights {25}

This post is dedicated to JollyGoodFellow, we recommend her blog- her stories are amazing! Enjoy xo 

I sat in my room for as long as it took. There were frequent visits from the workers and Aibileen. She found the will, the day we arrived and instantly sent it to Rashed. I ate little, took frequent walks in the garden but went back to my room. My safe haven.

I was lying down in bed, staring at my phone’s background imagine of Yousef and me. How happy we were… And now… We’re nothing but a minor unimportant memory, but it hurts me knowing that I let our love slip away so easily. Being rejected hurts when you’ve given all what you had. The happy moments, I hope they don’t dissolve… My unconscious thoughts are only taking over me in a negative way; I can’t seem to think of anything but misery. Perhaps I’m forming some sort of depression…

I remained in my room for a week or more. Anyway, I lost count. But eventually I had to get out; I had this urge to get out of this dreary distressing hole. If I stay like this any longer god knows what’ll happen to me. I put on my shorts and tee and went out for an early morning jog outside the house. I ran until I felt like my lungs were burning, the sensation of being alive and living your life not fully satisfying me. There is something missing, but I can’t seem to find the missing puzzle, my mind wandering on its own and my heart guiding me elsewhere. What is happening to me?

It started raining, once again. The weather won’t get any better. I made my way back home walking just to clear my thoughts. There are two ways out of this, one: I do nothing, or, two: change my lifestyle; graduate and end this nonsense depression. I have to show Yousef that I’m much more than this, how can I break him the way he broke me? Success. If I become successful then that’ll just burn him knowing who I was and what I’ve become.

I ran upstairs, showered then got dressed.

I bet he’s back in Tokyo not even thinking about me, just working so hard on his fashion line while I’m here bawling my eyes out. I tied my hair up into a ponytail and applied some red lipstick.

Aibileen, I’m leaving.

Where to?

I’ve got to do some retail therapy.

She came out of the kitchen dressed in her apron, her hands powdered with flour.

All right ma belle enfant. She smiled, I smiled back.  

I shopped and also went to the salon, had my nails done and had my hair done too. I headed back home once I finished. It just felt so good to restrain myself from being sad, there is so much out there to appreciate and I’m blinded by one thing that can’t seem to bring me happiness. No matter how hard I try.

I entered the house, the air was filled with Aibileen’s laughter.

Oh dear, your company is always a pleasure. I can’t wait until Jawaher sees you, she’d be so happy. I was so curious, I walked in.

What a pleasant surprise! I quickened my pace towards them. Aibileen’s right, I am so happy to see you.

I’m glad you are. How are you? I sat beside him.

Been better. And you?

Good.

Why didn’t you tell me that you were coming? I would’ve came back earlier.

Oh, no don’t worry. I arrived around an hour ago and came by to check upon you.

Oh. I blushed. Not sure why...

Would you like to go out for a walk?

Sure.

I went outside to the garden.

How long are you going to stay here?

I’m not sure, although I need to go back. My graduation is only a couple of weeks away. You?

Just for a couple of days, thought I’d come by to visit.

Thank you, I really do appreciate it.

You don’t need to thank me; it is my duty to check on you. And besides I miss this place so much, it brings back so many memories.

We sat down on a bench.

Why are these beautiful eyes filled with sadness? Come on now, come closer. I won’t hurt you, I promise.Tell me what’s wrong. Jawaher you have to trust me…

I trust you... In fact if there were someone out there other than Aibileen that I trust it would be you. But I don’t think… I can just… Just… Talk about what happened, its not easy…  I’ve been through a lot since childhood and now things just keep on getting worse.

Well if there was ever a time you need someone to talk to, to rely on, then I’m always here for you. I’ll be your crying shoulder. I promise I won’t judge and I will listen till the end. I’ll keep all your secrets locked inside.

Rashed… I smiled; I felt this sudden affection towards him rushing through my body with tears of joy. I hugged him. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I pulled away and looked right into his eyes, because I meant every word and I wanted him to believe me.