Traffic Lights {25}

This post is dedicated to JollyGoodFellow, we recommend her blog- her stories are amazing! Enjoy xo 

I sat in my room for as long as it took. There were frequent visits from the workers and Aibileen. She found the will, the day we arrived and instantly sent it to Rashed. I ate little, took frequent walks in the garden but went back to my room. My safe haven.

I was lying down in bed, staring at my phone’s background imagine of Yousef and me. How happy we were… And now… We’re nothing but a minor unimportant memory, but it hurts me knowing that I let our love slip away so easily. Being rejected hurts when you’ve given all what you had. The happy moments, I hope they don’t dissolve… My unconscious thoughts are only taking over me in a negative way; I can’t seem to think of anything but misery. Perhaps I’m forming some sort of depression…

I remained in my room for a week or more. Anyway, I lost count. But eventually I had to get out; I had this urge to get out of this dreary distressing hole. If I stay like this any longer god knows what’ll happen to me. I put on my shorts and tee and went out for an early morning jog outside the house. I ran until I felt like my lungs were burning, the sensation of being alive and living your life not fully satisfying me. There is something missing, but I can’t seem to find the missing puzzle, my mind wandering on its own and my heart guiding me elsewhere. What is happening to me?

It started raining, once again. The weather won’t get any better. I made my way back home walking just to clear my thoughts. There are two ways out of this, one: I do nothing, or, two: change my lifestyle; graduate and end this nonsense depression. I have to show Yousef that I’m much more than this, how can I break him the way he broke me? Success. If I become successful then that’ll just burn him knowing who I was and what I’ve become.

I ran upstairs, showered then got dressed.

I bet he’s back in Tokyo not even thinking about me, just working so hard on his fashion line while I’m here bawling my eyes out. I tied my hair up into a ponytail and applied some red lipstick.

Aibileen, I’m leaving.

Where to?

I’ve got to do some retail therapy.

She came out of the kitchen dressed in her apron, her hands powdered with flour.

All right ma belle enfant. She smiled, I smiled back.  

I shopped and also went to the salon, had my nails done and had my hair done too. I headed back home once I finished. It just felt so good to restrain myself from being sad, there is so much out there to appreciate and I’m blinded by one thing that can’t seem to bring me happiness. No matter how hard I try.

I entered the house, the air was filled with Aibileen’s laughter.

Oh dear, your company is always a pleasure. I can’t wait until Jawaher sees you, she’d be so happy. I was so curious, I walked in.

What a pleasant surprise! I quickened my pace towards them. Aibileen’s right, I am so happy to see you.

I’m glad you are. How are you? I sat beside him.

Been better. And you?

Good.

Why didn’t you tell me that you were coming? I would’ve came back earlier.

Oh, no don’t worry. I arrived around an hour ago and came by to check upon you.

Oh. I blushed. Not sure why...

Would you like to go out for a walk?

Sure.

I went outside to the garden.

How long are you going to stay here?

I’m not sure, although I need to go back. My graduation is only a couple of weeks away. You?

Just for a couple of days, thought I’d come by to visit.

Thank you, I really do appreciate it.

You don’t need to thank me; it is my duty to check on you. And besides I miss this place so much, it brings back so many memories.

We sat down on a bench.

Why are these beautiful eyes filled with sadness? Come on now, come closer. I won’t hurt you, I promise.Tell me what’s wrong. Jawaher you have to trust me…

I trust you... In fact if there were someone out there other than Aibileen that I trust it would be you. But I don’t think… I can just… Just… Talk about what happened, its not easy…  I’ve been through a lot since childhood and now things just keep on getting worse.

Well if there was ever a time you need someone to talk to, to rely on, then I’m always here for you. I’ll be your crying shoulder. I promise I won’t judge and I will listen till the end. I’ll keep all your secrets locked inside.

Rashed… I smiled; I felt this sudden affection towards him rushing through my body with tears of joy. I hugged him. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I pulled away and looked right into his eyes, because I meant every word and I wanted him to believe me.  

Traffic Lights {24}

How’s your heart?

It’s a little broken.....

This was the first conversation I had with Aibileen since the breakup with Yousef. Its been a week now and things have been going downhill ever since. She picked me up from Yousef’s and got me back to my place that day, so she clearly knew what happened. I cried for a couple of days because of the incident, but then the thought kept on haunting me, there must be a reason why he stopped loving me, I’m sure its my fault. It must be something I did, but what? Could it possibly be because I stopped modeling? What could it be! This is killing me and driving me crazy!

During the week that passed, right about the fourth day after what happened Alfie came to my place eagerly knocking on the door, Aibileen opened the door and kindly asked him to leave. Instead he pushed her aside and got in!

Jawaher! What’s going on between the two of you? Why did Yousef quit from the team? What have you done? Why is he drinking again and smoking like his father? What happened please I need to know!

I flung the door open, knowing that my feelings began to change into something deeper, something stronger. Something different.

What have I done? So now I am the cause of all of this right? You couldn’t blame anything on him or yourself so instead you blame it on me? How coward of you Alfie, to put the responsibility and the guilt on me! I didn’t ask for him to break up with me! I didn’t even want this relationship to end; I thought for so long that we would end up together. He says we’re not right for each other? But look around you we aren’t right for anyone else except ourselves! That’s the way I see it, and the rest of the world sees it. Now you better start spreading the news, because I’m leaving today and this is the end of the Jawaher you once knew. Now get out of my way, I don’t want to see you or any of your silly friends. I suddenly felt like a decisive woman, one who knew what she wants and what’s best for her. I felt like there’s this power within me that gives me authority. Good day Alfie, I wish you a happy life. I pushed him out and slammed the door behind him. Rude isn’t it? Well, say hello to the new me.

I was so damn angry, I wanted my nails to dig into his skin, ripping it apart and holding his damned esophagus and pull it out with all my powers. That bastard. Yousef, look at what you’ve done…

Aibileen. Pack your bag, we’re leaving. I said it was more of a command, still facing the door with my palms pushed hard against it.

Are you all right?

Never been better. I turned around. I looked at her and suddenly I felt a smile form, strange how I was crying over him and now he’s just a stepping-stone. That being said doesn’t mean I do not love him. I do, I love him with all my heart and soul. I love him…

I packed my bags and made my way to the airport. And all along I thought to myself I make friends and then suddenly I can’t bare any of them. I don’t know if they’re considered friends? Or if they’re just there to use me? I think I’m paranoid….

I arrived at London, entering the house and being welcomed by the workers. The same faces but elder, I miss them all dearly. So we all sat together and had dinner, we spoke about random things and events. My parents and Rodha’s seat remained empty; I excused myself right after dinner to go out for a walk and kindly asked Aibileen to look for the will. I felt so depressed, knowing I lost the ones I loved the most. I want to escape this depression, this misery.

It started raining, perfectly reflecting my feelings and suddenly this urge of melancholia was creeping up. I went back to my room, precipitously all the memories hit me like a thousand knives. I allowed all the negativeness to suck in within me, soaking in through my body like a sponge. What’s the purpose of me living?  I couldn’t think of an answer.

I learnt a lesson… Even when you feel so comfortable around someone. You don’t know what this person’s intentions are; sometimes your feelings fail you….

Traffic Lights {23}

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Have a seat. He said, in a monotone pointing at the chair facing the chair he sat on. And I instantly had this feeling deep down in my gut.

How was your flight?

Good. Silence.

I miss you… He did not look at me, instead he kept on staring outside the window. Something’s wrong, I can sense it. Something happened to him, and it’s eating me up! I want to kiss his worries away… Just so he can feel better.

Is everything all right Yousef? You’re acting a little distant…

Everything is fine.

Yousef, don’t shut me out… Something’s wrong. I placed my hands on his and softly rubbed his fingers, soothing him. He shut his eyes tightly, his forehead creased. I hope everything’s alright…

Jawaher. He opened his eyes and coldly stared at me, he had this lost expression then he broke the tense eye contact between us.

Have you ever heard of the word “Razbliuto”? He questioned, staring outside allowing the light to touch one side of his face, highlighting his beauty.

No.

It’s a Russian word to describe that empty feeling you have for someone you once loved, but no longer love.

What do you mean?

I am no longer interested in you, I’m sorry. We need to break up. I looked at him for so long. Waiting for an explanation. A reason. Was it something I did? Was it something I said? He must be kidding, right?

Except… He wasn’t.

That’s it? You won’t explain why you no longer love me? Is it something I did? Is it because I travelled and I didn’t tell you? What did I do? I can make it up for you. Is it because I quit modeling, I don’t mind going back. Please Yousef just… Just tell me why! I-

Stop making it so difficult on both of us! He interrupted. Why is he angry? What did I do? Falling in love with you was a mistake! He punched the seat beside him, his fists tightly clutched.

A… a mistake… I whispered the words, I felt so weak. What does he mean?

As soon as the game stopped I stepped out of the box and walked away on my own.

Jawaher. I’m sorry. You’re not; I’m still in shock… What have you done?

I kept on walking. Deep down within me, something was telling me that he wasn’t thinking straight, things went on too fast. He made a mistake; maybe he’s just fooling around! I’m sure he is. I’m not giving up that easily on the love we built all along.

I went to his place and impatiently knocked on his door. Yousef! Yousef I know you’re in there! Open the door. Yousef! You-

What?! He hissed. As he opened the door, I could smell a smell of strong booze and cigarettes that clung into his clothes. His eyes rimmed with a bloodshot red line, was he crying?

Give me a reason. Please! I know you didn’t mean to say all of that. I believe in you Yousef, I always will. You know how much I love you, and I know that you love me too! Don’t do this, for the two of us..

A reason? Just one? Because I can list you an entire catalog of reasons why! Don’t you get it?! Stop acting like a damned lost puppy that keeps coming back to me! I’m not someone you can rely on, and besides who the hell are you? Telling the world you’re Jawaher AlFlani when in reality you’re not! How do you expect me to trust someone who lies to people about themselves? Huh? Wait. And to think I loved you all along, you poor thing. Why would I love you? Knowing that you’re a traitor, lying to me all along about who you are!  He laughed.

Ever heard of the term Pistanthrophobia? Because that term describes you.

No wise girl, who knows everything.

It means the fear of trusting someone. And I know you have that and some other serious issues. You’re the one who’s disgracefully hiding their own true identity because you fear that the society or the people won’t accept you for who you are! You are someone who lives a life filled with self-absorption and debauchery! I am Jawaher AlFlani whether you like it or not, so stop making up lies just to cover up your own mess! I won’t be the victim of your own hopeless crime! Dying your hair blue just to look like some Russian, aren’t you proud of who you-

Shut up! He shouted. Get out. I never want to see your face again.

Yousef… I didn’t mean to say such things.

Well you said it.

Yousef, I’m sorry… I cried, like the damned lost puppy. He went back in and slammed the door vigorously. I covered my mouth, knowing what I had said was all an accident. The words just kept on coming out of my mouth out of nowhere! But does that mean… That this is the end?