Traffic Lights {13}

I know what I did was wrong. But somehow I didn’t regret it, maybe I wasn’t thinking straight or maybe there isn’t anything to regret about, and I most probably think it’s the latter.  Last night… What happened last night? Everything slowly started breaking down, things are more comprehendible.

Flashback

Explain. She said, with an undertone to her voice. And suddenly goosebumps were all over my body, my hands felt a bit shaky. My throat was completely dry which made it hard for me to speak. I looked down at the table, with pictures of me scattered on every magazine, on the front page of Vogue, Vogueteen, Vanity Fair, Cosmopolitan, Harper Bazaar and the list went on. 9 months of hard work filling an entire table and instead of feeling good I felt lost…

You lied to me. You lied to me! Did I ever lie to you? Silence.  Answer me!

No.

I cannot hear you.

No.

Then please explain why you went ahead behind my back and did such a thing? I didn’t know what to say. But I knew I had to say something. And I didn’t.

I’m not stupid Jawaher. You expect me to sign a paper without reading it? I knew the moment that guy stepped into your life you had completely changed. Long nights out; coming back home after 12AM when you used to come back home no longer than 10PM with your innocent friends. Your so-called “Vladimir” whom you go out with every day is called Yousef al Flani. What makes you so sure that he isn’t using you? You don’t even know who he really is! Look around you; maybe all of this, what he’s doing is just a way to use you! You think I don’t know but I know everything that goes around. Don’t underestimate me Jawaher. Tomorrow morning you are going to quit this nonsense.

I’m not a child anymore Aibileen. I can take care of my own decisions.

Really? You think so? Wake up darling you just sold your body, yourself and your reputation for a few snapshots. What will your family do? Did you think about that? Did you think about all of these consequences?

Why do you even care about them or why do you even care at all!? It has nothing to do with you or them!

Because I am responsible of taking care of you.

You’re not my mother. You’re not my father. You’re not my sister. They all left me, and now I think its time for you to leave me too…

She knew I didn’t mean it. But it hurt her. She kept on talking; things went on and on for God knows how long. But to me everything was muted, or maybe my brain just went blank. Until I walked away, I walked away from her and from her dramatic scene. I locked my door and just sat on my bed.

I don’t know me… That’s what’s happening. And it scares me.

I need to clarify a few things. Not now, not today and definitely not tomorrow. I need to clear my head. It became an insoluble dilemma before I even knew it.

I couldn’t sleep all night. I just kept on staring at my ceiling, unsure of what I just did. Absolute silence was taking over, not a single noise was made. I couldn’t think anymore. I got out of bed at 4AM and wore something comfortable; I put on my trainers and walked outside the building. I put my hoodie on my head and walked. You keep your head down and hustle and hustle and wonder how on earth did you reach here?

I walked from my apartment until Joetsu. The sun had already gone up and life had started again. I sat down staring at the waves. Why am I here? The sea was just so tempting, I wanted to dive in and get lost in the harmonious vibe, and I want to forget myself. I started crying, I didn’t know why but it felt good.

Dusk was starting to settle, I had to make my way back to my place but I didn’t want to. I got up and started walking back until I saw a familiar silhouette.

How did you find me here?

I was looking for you all over the place. He took a few steps closer to me and hugged me. He patted my hair and kissed me. Are you all right? Come let’s go back home.

I need some time alone. He looked at me even more concerned. He looked straight into my eyes then placed his hand on my forehead making sure I wasn’t sick.

I can’t let you on your own. Please come with me. I thought about what Aibileen had said about him last night. If he really was using me, he wouldn’t have come all this way, he wouldn’t have found me or left me on my own. I got in his convertible. He took a different route home.

Have you ever had one of those days where you hate the world? And everything that happens even the simplest tinniest thing like not getting things right or getting it the way you want it to be makes you want to break down and cry until you release all the sadness within you....?

He stopped by the side of the road, parked the car then held my hand and looked at me. Immediately I felt a chunk of weight being lifted off of me, all the sadness was gone.

I faced him and touched his face. Don’t ever leave, promise me you won't ever leave.. I just want to stop the world, I just want to keep you forever, to myself. I love you... Even these 3 words can’t describe my love to you.

His smile shone, it made my heart throb aggressively.

I promise I won't ever leave you. Ill kiss you? Oh no wait, that’s not a question. I am going to kiss you. He kissed me No, that’s not right. He kissed me again, longer, tenderly, passionately. I blushed then smiled. He drove me back home after we got ourselves a cup of warm drink. I went up and unlocked the door. And everything was the way it was. I walked towards Aibileen’s room and she wasn’t there… I went to my room and she wasn’t there either. I saw my phone on my bed and checked to see if there were any phone calls from her. None.. I searched the entire place for her, for any traces of anything she left. But there was nothing. I opened her closet and everything was in place. I called out for her but she didn’t reply back. No no no.. This must be a dream! I pinched myself hard and it hurt a lot..

Aibileen!!!

She left…